F.R.O.G.

It is so late, but I really felt an urge to write and share a little of what's on my mind. I apologize if it's scattered, and I'll let the fact that it's so late be my excuse. I’m anticipating the amazing time I’m going to have at Greystone this summer and what God has in store for the 9 weeks I’m about to spend in Zirconia, NC. Greystone is such a beautiful place with such beautiful people who love the Lord. Recently, two little 7 year old girls’ have really inspired me through their cancer stories. Both of their moms update their blogs every week or so, and I try to stay updated on them so that I can pray more specifically. The girls’ names are Kate and Abby, and both of them are fighting brain tumors that have reoccurred. I don’t know either one of them personally, but have come across their pages from other people I know/other pages I follow. God has kept both of these little girls strong through this process and battle, and I pray that He continues to do so as they both are beginning new chemo treatments. Strength is vital to being able to even administer the chemo, as they need certain minimal blood counts, etc. I want so much to meet these sweet girls and give them a huge hug and tell them how strong and brave they are, and that God is going to get them through this.


God’s plan is perfect, and I trust Him, and I know that He also performs miracles and is our Healer. That does not mean that we won’t have to face the impossible and that we won’t have to fight diseases and obstacles and that our lives will be easy. God has a plan for me, and His plan included cancer. I’m cancer-free right now, and hope and pray that I will be for life, but it doesn’t mean I will be. The chances are so small that it probably won’t happen, but so were the chances of even having cancer in the first place. It was even stranger for me to get it with almost no history of cancer in my family. I won my fight for cancer, but I didn’t do it by myself. God was there the whole time, and He taught me to fully rely on Him. If you don’t read anything further, at least remember this: F.R.O.G. aka Fully Rely on God. John 15:5 says, “I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.” Apart from the Lord we have nothing; we are nothing; and we can do nothing. Philippians 4:13 says, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” Isaiah 40:26 says, “Lift up your eyes on high and see: who created these? He who brings out their host by number, calling them all by name, by the greatness of his might, and because he is strong in power not one is missing.” The Lord God comforts the people of Jerusalem by declaring His great might and strong power. The Lord is our fortress, our rock, our stronghold, our deliver, our strength and our shield. We can take refuge in Him because He loves us and is there in our time of need, and His plans work together for good. We can stay strong and have an unwavering faith if we continue to believe this truth, and trust God’s sovereignty and mighty power.

I have a little fear of having to go through a cancer fight again, and it hurts me so much to hear about others going through a journey with cancer. Don’t allow cancer or another obstacle in your life define you. Christ is the only one who defines us, and when everything else seems out of control, we can rest and put our hope in Christ. Pray Colossians 3:15, that the peace of Christ will rule in your heart, and Philippians 4, that the peace will transcend all understanding for your struggles. I like the New Living Translation of 2 Timothy 4:5, which says, “But you should keep a clear mind in every situation. Don't be afraid of suffering for the Lord. Work at telling others the Good News, and fully carry out the ministry God has given you.” This is referring to proclaiming the Gospel and being bold, but it can be translated into any circumstance in which you have the opportunity to bring God glory. Allow God’s glory to shine in your circumstances by trusting Him and proclaiming your faith. I think this can only be possible if we fully rely on Him: relying on ourselves and our own weakness will get us nowhere.

Ultimately, if I had cancer again, it would be part of the Lord’s plan. I don't think I'm going to, and I'm thankful that I can be almost certain I am not because of my odds. Cancer is evil, but suffering through it made me stronger, and 2 Corinthians 1:5 says, “For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too.” We will share some in Christ’s sufferings in our life, but we can be at peace because of the comfort that He provides, and because He promises that all things work together for good for those who are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28). Whatever happens to me, whenever it happens, I know I will be living out His plan for my life, and that’s where I can find peace, even with the slight possibility of an evil such as cancer returning. There is no reason to worry about it because He tells us not to be anxious, but to pray, and He will give us peace in the end. It’s so common for people to say, “It will all work out,” or “God will work it out for you I’m sure,” but that’s just not true. When you’re facing reality, it can be tough. There will be uncertainty and it may be difficult. It’s not that it will all work out, but I guess a better way to say it is that it will all work TOGETHER FOR GOOD, because in the end, if we are faithful and live our lives fully relying on God and declaring Him as our Lord and Savior, we will spend eternity with Him in Heaven, and that’s more than good.

Lastly, I wanted to share with you part of Kate’s blog. Her mom posted this a few days ago. Will is Kate’s younger brother, and I think he is 5 or 6. “Last night Will was scared to go to bed. Nightmares have been plaguing him, so he didn't want to sleep. I laid with him and offered to pray, hoping it would bring him comfort and solace as it had so many times before. He rolled over and looked me straight in the eyes. ‘Why mom, God doesn't always choose to give us what we ask for. People still die. I asked and asked for Kate not to be sick anymore and she is. So why should I pray not to be scared? He just might not answer.’ I wanted to cry, but sat silently for a minute. Will was processing the things so many of a struggle with, the question of suffering and why God allows it. The deep disappointments when the answer is far different than we have been pleading for. I was hurt and yet grateful he could verbalize his frustration. Our frustration. God tells us to pray. He tells us to unrelentingly intercede. And so we continue to do just that. . . Kate was able to start chemo on Tuesday. Everything is bittersweet these days. And I can't imagine that changing for us anytime soon. Life seems intricately intertwined with joy and sorrow. Each not exclusive to a season, but rather have been two steady realities.”

Life is intertwined with joy and sorrow, but like it says in Nehemiah 8:10, the joy of the Lord is our strength, and it is this balance that keeps us loving life and also fully relying on God to get us through the hard times. Kate and Abby continue to have joy in the midst of their suffering. Please pray for them, and remember, F.R.O.G.!

The Innocence of a Child

Tonight, I watched two of the youngest Idol contestants ever both perform so well on television, and they both seem like, from what I have seen, to love the Lord, which is awesome. Music is one of my biggest passions in life, and I love to sing for the Lord and for the joy it brings to me. 1 Chronicles 16:23 says, "Sing to the Lord, all the earth! Tell of his salvation from day to day." Psalm 100 says to come before His presence with singing! Camp Greystone really is one of the greatest places on earth. I've been searching for some great, kid-friendly, fun songs to add to my Itunes for camp this summer, and I am anticipating camp more and more. Singing at camp is one of the best parts for me because it is something that we do to give God glory and to demonstrate our love for Him, and I love being a part of a large crowd of people worshipping the Lord. We worship in a group, but it is an individual experience, and it is wonderful. When I'm by myself at home or in the car, I often turn on some contemporary Christian music and begin singing. Sometimes though, we forget that the songs are meant for worship, and we do not always think about what we are singing and whether or not we mean it. We do this with other types of music as well. I confess that I occasionally listen to hip hop and rap songs and do not agree with the lyrics, but love the beats enough to sing along. It's similar to listening to contemporary Christian music and singing along but not taking the lyrics to heart. I've been a lot more careful about listening to lyrics lately, and worshipping through song is so much more meaningful because of it. 

Now, more about Camp Greystone: less than a week until I am back, yet it feels like I just left in the middle of August! So much has happened since then, and God has been working a lot, but it still doesn't seem like it's been almost a year! Because of the impact that Greystone had on me in less than 6 weeks of being there last summer and the things God taught me and revealed to me through it, I could not be more excited and anxious to return for 9 weeks this summer. In fact, I'm sure that it's not going to be enough because of how fast I know it will fly by! I don't like the phrase, "it's like heaven on earth," but being at Greystone does give you a little taste of heaven. Galatians 5: 22-23 says that "the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law." I experienced all of the fruits of the Spirit at Greystone, and learned a lot more about each one. At Greystone, I learned how to be more loving, more joyful, more peaceful, more patient, etc. The campers and the counselors teach you so much, and the Lord works through everyone and every experience that you have while at camp. There is no greater love or joy in my opinion than the love and joy that younger children and teens bring, especially when you are able to share your love for the Lord with them. Having this opportunity for a summer is amazing, and the Lord shows you your imperfections, but also shows you His perfect love and grace and the chance to grow in the fruits of the Spirit. 

Also, in Matthew 18, when the disciples are wondering about greatness in the kingdom of heaven, Jesus calls a child, stands him in the midst of the disciples and teaches. He says that you have got to become like children to enter the kingdom, and the one who humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom.  "And calling to him a child, he put him in the midst of them and said, 'Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.'" Children who love Jesus are humble and innocent. They are also often extremely perceptive and love to ask questions. I LOVE being able to share my biggest passion, my passion for the Lord, with an innocent child, and I pray that I can become like the child in Matthew 18. Last summer at Greystone, one huge work the Lord did was confirm to me and encourage me, through my experience and through a sweet lady named Smith Houts, that it is the Lord's plan (as of now) for me to become a teacher of some kind after graduation. Smith saw how much I loved my 7-year-old girls in August, and she said that I would absolutely love teaching. She has taught kindergartners for years and is so great with children and the Greystone campers. I started babysitting when I was 12 with the sweetest family of 3 kids, and I have always had a passion for being around kids and spending time with them. I'm 21, and I would say I'm mature for my age (I hope this is true!), but I can relate well to kids and i love being around them and acting like one myself (and by that I mean playing games and laughing all the time). I came into college a journalism and mass communication and vocal performance double major. I love both writing/editing and singing, but I do not think I can do either one of them for the rest of my life, at least not as my main focus. I do think I can be around kids ALL the time and never get tired of it. I don't think that teaching is one of my spiritual gifts, but I love to be challenged and I do believe that God can grow me in that area. I think that, because I can relate to kids well, I can serve the Lord by working with them. 

I'm not sure right now if God wants me to teach elementary school, preschool, or work in a preschool or children's ministry or something like that, but I am excited to see what He has in store for me. I am also anxious about what He is going to reveal to me this summer. I'm praying that He will work in all of us at Greystone and that the staff and campers can learn to be lights for the Lord and to shine His light in everything we say and do. We don't know His plans, but all of us can live everyday for Him and shine the light He has brought to our world and that He brings to our lives!

"But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin." 1 John 1:7 (camp verse for the summer!!)

"In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven." Matthew 5:16

Hanging On to the Word

These are the lyrics to one of my favorite songs, "Hanging On," by Britt Nicole:

You see my anxious heart
You see what I am feeling
And when I fall apart
You are there to hold me
How great Your love for me
Now I see what You're thinking
You say I'm beautiful
Your voice is my healing

Without You I just can't get by
So I'm

Hanging on to every word You speak
'Cause it's all that I need
Hanging on to every word You say
To light up my way
Even every little whisper I'm
Hanging on as if it were my life
I'm hanging on

And when the darkness falls
I can't see what's before me
Your voice is like the dawn
Always there to guide me

Without You I just can't get by
So I'm

Hanging on to every word You speak
'Cause it's all that I need
Hanging on to every word You say
To light up my way
Even every little whisper I'm
Hanging on as if it were my life
I'm hanging on

You know me better than I know myself
Better than anybody else
Your love is sounding like a ringing bell
Oh, oh, I won't let go

Hanging on to every word You speak
'Cause it's all that I need
Hanging on to every word You say
To light up my way
Even every little whisper I'm
Hanging on as if it were my life
I'm hanging on

Prayer Requests for yall-- people who are hanging on in different ways-- we all need strength and hope that comes from the Lord and from the Word, and if we hang on to the Word and rely on God, He will "light up our way" and show us His will, peace, and understanding

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God; and the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."  Philippians 4:6-7
Abby Smith- little 7 year old girl who lives in Atlanta, and one of my fellow camp counselors babysits her; she was diagnosed with a brain tumor when she was 23 months old, and she is still fighting; please pray for her battle with low platelets and for her chemo treatments that she just started again
Leigha Barteski- gorgeous girl who has just started a new form of chemo and goes weekly or bi-weekly to get treatments for liver cancer- pray for little/no side effects from the chemo and for the new chemo to be successful
Lauren Haley- she and her sweet family's house was destroyed in the tornado-pray for peace and understanding and also for wisdom during this time- a praise is that they are living in a permanent house that is fully-furnished!
Anna King- awesome good friend of mine who is from pleasant grove and has had some family members and friends affected by the tornado disaster, also for her cousin, who is battling leukemia
Pleasant Grove, Pratt City, Tuscaloosa, Jasper, other areas affected by the tornado- provision from the Lord for them, both with tangible goods and help from the community in rebuilding, etc.; also, wisdom, peace, and comfort for the families
Kate McRae- beautiful 5 year old girl whose page I randomly came across through another girl, Libby's blog; Libby just finished chemo a few months ago for the same cancer I had, Hodgkin's Lymphoma, and she is completely healed- praise the Lord! but, Kate was diagnosed with a brain tumor and has been fighting for 2 years; she just started chemo again and is losing her hair that she's had for a little while now, so please pray for that; also, just pray for strength for her little body and pray that the chemo will kill the cancer cells for good!
Kirsten- my boyfriend Matt's mom knows her mom, who teaches at the same school as her; Kirsten is in 7th grade and has a rare type of tumor; please pray for the doctors to figure out the best way to treat her and for her to rely on the Lord during this time- middle school is rough enough already!
Perrin Thompson- such an encouraging girl who goes to Furman and knows a lot of girls I work with at camp, has a beautiful spirit; just found out that she has 3 months of no chemo- praise the Lord for that break! please pray for wisdom for the doctors in deciding the next steps to take, and for a miracle with her kidney cancer
2011 graduates- economic troubles, wisdom and making the Lord's will clear to them, finding security in Christ when everything may be uncertain

Today was a CRAZY day, but a really good day. So much change is happening so fast, and it's hard to take in quickly. My boyfriend, Matt, graduated today, along with many of my close friends. They are going out into the real world, and that can be so scary. Also, as of today, I'm a senior in college! It's hard to believe, and this year has definitely been a little bit of a blur. But, God has taught me so much patience and trust in His sovereignty and faithfulness this year. It's amazing what you can learn from experiences. God works in and through you in every experience in your life if you look to Him and allow Him to move in them. I love that cancer is a part of my testimony now, and I would never want to change how things are because I know that they happened for a reason, and it made me stronger as a person and as a Christ-follower. Having cancer gave me a little glimpse of the sufferings of Christ, and that opened my eyes to how wonderful the gift of salvation is. Romans 6:23 says, "For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord." God gives us salvation as a free gift! We don't have to work to receive our salvation, and we can rest in the fact that our Lord and Savior has plans, and they are perfect. They might include suffering, but there will also be many blessings along with that suffering.

Eccelsiastes 3:1 says, "For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven." Sometimes, there will be suffering in your life. Other times, you might feel lost and confused, heart-broken, unloved, weak, uncertain, stressed. BUT, other times we will feel so much joy and love and hope and peace and comfort in the Lord, and we can rest in that. We can always find those feelings within our suffering and stress, etc. if we look to the Lord, pray, and trust in His promises of faithfulness. 2 Thessalonians 3:3 says, "But the Lord is faithful. He will establish you and guard you against the evil one." Satan tricks us into thinking that we shouldn't have to suffer with Christ, and that his path is better than the Lord's. But, the Lord promises to deliver us from the storms ("call upon me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you shall glorify me" Psalm 50:15). Let's all have the faith of Job, and in every situation of change, uncertainty, or suffering, trust the Lord and rejoice even when everything we treasure and in everything with which we find security is taken away from us. Whether you're worrying about finding a job, maintaining relationships after graduation, fighting an illness, or just feel like your world is spinning, we can all find peace in the Lord in these times. Psalm 37:7 says to be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him, and Romans 8:28 says that everything works together for good for those who are called according to His purpose. Rest in that truth, and hang on to that Word!

Life can be scary and tough, but remember, we are not made for this world."If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world." -- C.S. LEWIS

P.S. Camp countdown: 17 days! Can't wait to spend time with campers and worship the Lord for 9 weeks!! It was hard for me to leave school, but I know that I'm going to LOVE camp and that God has me there for a reason, and He's going to do some great stuff at Greystone this summer!! :)

A Proverbs 31 Woman

Happy Mother's Day!! I should be studying right now, but I just wanted to make a little tribute to the most wonderful mother I know: my mom, Deede Kleimeyer. My mom has always been amazing. Growing up, she has always been so encouraging to me in whatever I did. Her sweet smile and fun-loving personality, goofiness, and contagious laugh are just a few of her good qualities. I respect my mom for who she is, and that is a woman who loves the Lord and whose light shines in everything she does, especially in her role as a mother to me. But, everyone who knows my mom loves her: she has a bubbly personality and a heart for people that everyone loves and appreciates. Whenever someone tells me that I look like my mom or that I'm a lot like her, I definitely take that as a compliment because I think she is one of the most beautiful people God has made, both inside and out. This year, I've gone through some hard times with my mom by my side, and I hope she knows how much I appreciate everything she has done for me, and how much I loved that she was always with me, even if it meant hours and hours of driving for her. Most of the time she was with me this year, I was not feeling too well, and she served me and was always there. I am so thankful for that because I know this year was hard for her too. Cancer was a part of both of our lives, of our family's life, and we can thank God that He has healed me and our family does not have to fight it anymore. My mom has so much joy and energy that she spreads to everyone around her, and I have seen that firsthand for the 21 years I have been her daughter. God is so faithful and blesses us so much, and I am so blessed to have a mom who exemplifies the woman of God in Proverbs 31. She is so great, and she serves the Lord as a mother, a daughter, a wife, and a woman of God! The bold words are characteristics based on the verses, and they also define my mom. I love you so much! :)

The Proverbs 31 Woman

An excellent wife, who can find? For her worth is far above jewels.  (rare, precious)
The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. (trustworthy)
She does him good and not evil all the days of her life. (kind)
She looks for wool and flax and works with her hands in delight. (works joyfully)
She is like merchant ships; she brings her food from afar. (goes extra mile)
She rises also while it is still night and gives food to her household and portions to her maidens. (disciplined)
She considers a field and buys it; from her earnings she plants a vineyard. (enterprising, prudent with money)
She girds herself with strength and makes her arms strong. (energetic)
She senses that her gain is good; her lamp does not go out at night. (good steward)
She stretches out her hands to the distaff, and her hands grasp the spindle. (diligent) She extends her hand to the poor, and she stretches out her hands to the needy. (compassionate, generous)She is not afraid of the snow for her household, for all her household are clothed with scarlet. (provident)
She makes coverings for herself; her clothing is fine linen and purple. (elegant)
Her husband is known in the gates,when he sits among the elders of the land. (influential)
She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies belts to the tradesmen. (industrious)
Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she smiles at the future. (poised)
She opens her mouth in wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. (wise)
She looks well to the ways of her household, and does not eat the bread of idleness. (manages her home)
Her children rise up and bless her; her husband also, and he praises her, saying: (praiseworthy)
"Many daughters have done nobly, but you excel them all." (distinguished) Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised. (God-fearing)
Give her the product of her hands, and let her works praise her in the gates. (honored)
Proverbs 31:10-31

While I'm Waiting, I Will Serve You

"Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you." 1 Peter 5:6-7
"The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul who seeks Him. It is good that one should hope and wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord." Lamentations 3:25-26

"Wait on the Lord; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the Lord!” Psalm 27:14

“He has made everything beautiful in its time … God shall judge the righteous and the wicked, for there shall be a time there for every purpose and for every work.” Ecclesiastes 3:11,17

"But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.” Isaiah 40: 31


John Waller wrote a song called "While I'm Waiting." Not only is the song beautiful, but it also speaks so much truth, and the lyrics are so applicable to our lives. He says that, though it is painful, he will continue to wait upon the Lord, patiently, and he will trust Him. He also says he will "move along, bold and confident, taking every step in obedience" while he is waiting on the Lord. Though it's not easy, he waits on the Lord faithfully and peacefully. The Bible tells us that the Lord is good to those who wait on Him, and that the Lord's purposes will always be revealed after a period of waiting and of obedience. The verses at the beginning of this note are just a few of many verses on waiting on the Lord. Being patient and able to wait on the Lord's timing is one of the more difficult things for us to do, and we often struggle with it in our walk with God. We often struggle with waiting on God to deliver us from trials in our lives. James says that our trials will make our faith stronger and make us more perseverant. Trials occur for different lengths of time, and sometimes they last a lot longer than we expect. We live in such a fast-paced world, and it is so hard for us to accept that God's timing is often a LOT slower than ours, and to trust that His timing is best. When God places trials in our lives, He wants to work in us so that we can spiritually grow. These trials are NECESSARY for our spiritual growth and are a part of God's plans for our lives.


In November, I began my journey with cancer, and I have been able to see God's faithfulness through that trial. I have now overcome it, and I could not be more thankful for the past few months. If you asked me if I could choose not to have had cancer, I would actually tell you no. Don't misunderstand me: cancer stinks, and it would have been great not to have it. But that wasn't God's plan, and I would never want to change that. It's so hard to understand God's timing, and why God gives us certain trials to face, but I think it's a lot easier to understand it after you have overcome it. In the midst of things, it is so difficult to patiently wait because, as humans, we cannot fully comprehend the ways of the Lord, and we cannot always see the purpose of things until a lot later.
I just read this quote in an article about God's timing, and I love it: "God’s wisdom and timing will always be perfect in every single situation that you will ever face in this life – so learn how to rely on it, as it will help keep you safe and out of harm’s way, along with keeping you on His divine path for your life and making your life that much more productive in Him." Now that I'm finished with chemo and radiation and I'm cancer-free, it's WEIRD. It's weird to have overcome such a huge trial and to transition from everything. Radiation hasn't had side effects for me really, and so I've already been transitioning back to my "normal" self, but it's confusing. I think I have been so used to being sick and going to the hospital ALL the time that being finished scares me! I know that I'm cancer-free, but I don't know how to be me again. Not that I wasn't me, but I was me with cancer, and me struggling with emotions and physical feelings I had never before experienced. I learned quickly that God wanted me to use my cancer for His glory, and I tried not to focus on myself too much, but it changed who I was. It's almost unexplainable because it's a personal experience, but all I can say is, God draws you so close to Him through trials, and especially through crazy ones like cancer. You become dependent only on Him because He's the only One you can depend on and trust for your healing.

I had cancer at age 21. God healed me from that cancer at age 21. God doesn't always heal, and He picks and chooses who to heal and when He will heal. It's hard to be patient and to understand why God does things when He does, and to wait and see how things play out in a situation. We always want to rush through everything, to press fast forward on our circumstances, to know what will happen. But, God is the only One with this sovereignty and knowledge. His plans are perfect and His timing is also perfect. So many of my friends are graduating in a few weeks. It's actually been really hard on me thinking about them leaving, me being a senior in just a few months, and insecurities with timing and plans have been on my mind a lot. I would love for everyone to stay here in Birmingham, but God has different plans for everyone, and He has placed those friends in my life for a specific amount of time for a specific reason. I know I will keep in touch with some, if not all, of them, but I think accepting change and facing transitions and trusting God's timing is hard for me. Trying to rush things, whether if it is in a trial or in other areas of your life, such as relationships, calling, or spiritual growth, is simply not a good idea. Let's be still and know that He is God, and continue to serve Him while we wait on His PERFECT timing.

God's hidden blessings

It's been a month since my last chemo treatment on March 3. Also, technically, I was cancer-free on January 4th when I had my PET scan, so it's also 3 months since I've had cancer (or at least known it was gone). On Saturday, it will have been 5 months since I was diagnosed with Hodgkins. And even better, this is also my last week of radiation! I finish on April 11th, and then my dad's birthday is the 12th. This week (or so) is so great! Also, my hair has started to grow back slowly but surely. Apparently it can take about 2 months for it to start filling in, but I can definitely notice a difference from last week and the week before, which was when it started growing after finishing chemo. I can't wait to have a little more hair so that I can stop wearing hats all the time. People stare and ask questions too much, and I don't mind talking, but being finished with chemo and almost finished with radiation makes me want to be completely normal and for others to see me that way. I never liked being sick, and I don't like looking sick because I wear hats so people assume that I have cancer and am going through chemo, and I am not anymore!

A man I sat next to at church today asked me if I was having health complications. Sometimes people ask me completely out of the blue and I don't always have time to think about my response. I wish I would have said that I did have cancer, but that God was so faithful and chose to heal me, and I am so thankful. That's how I really feel. Instead, I said something stupid like "Yes sir, but I'm doing a lot better now, and I'm almost finished with my treatments." But really, what I said wasn't that important. What he said really got to me though. He told me that his mom has liver cancer and breast cancer. Not just one type of cancer, but two cancers. I can't even imagine what that would be like. I mean, I guess I could imagine, but I don't know how I would handle it. However, it is amazing what God can do and the strength that He can give you in situations that you don't think you can handle. The thing is, we can't necessarily handle everything He puts in our lives, but with Him, we can. With God, all things are possible, and we can get through anything with His strength. And, it makes us stronger.

What this man said next was that, over the course of her treatments, his mom had completely thrown out the Gospel and refused to believe that God was in her life because of what she was going through. I didn't know how to respond, but I didn't have to, because then he told me that she had such a rough time, but eventually she came back to the Gospel and her faith in God, and she ended up realizing that God was working in her life through her cancers, and that she could use her experience to bless other people as well. Choosing to bless others allowed her to see that God can bring good and can show His glory through suffering, and that one person's suffering can heal and save others. I don't think this man knew how much he was blessing me this morning by reminding me of those truths.

A few weeks ago, I was in a clothing store called Charming Charlie. I love to shop....probably a little too much. But anyway, I walked up to the checkout line and was admiring a little girl's dress that was so cute on her and looked at her and smiled and told her I loved her dress. She thanked me, in the cutest little voice, and then I heard someone else talking to me. Another lady who was probably in her 60s had come up behind me and was asking me bluntly if I was going through chemo. I told her that I had just finished two weeks before and was starting radiation, and that I had been healed, and I was feeling so good. She was sweet, but she definitely surprised me by being so blunt. She then went on to talk about how she had breast cancer a while back, but that she had also been healed, and that she didn't have to have chemo, but she had heard about it. She told me that a lady she knew told her that she loved chemo, and she didn't understand that at all. How could someone love chemo? The lady explained to her that without chemo, she would not have been healed! It's so true. I told her that it was definitely a love-hate relationship for me, and she laughed.

Then I realized that she really just needed someone to talk to who could somewhat understand what she was going through at the moment. She told me about her husband, and mentioned that he had lung cancer, but then she said that he hadn't made it. The way she said it surprised me because it came out of her mouth so quickly that I almost didn't catch what she said. She said that he had gone to the hospital last February with a massive tumor, and the doctors didn't think he was even going to be able to leave the hospital, that he would die in the next few days, but that he had lived until this February. Here I was talking to her in the second week of March, and her husband had just passed away a few weeks before from lung cancer. I couldn't understand how she had so much strength. I talked to her a little more about it, and told her how sorry I was, and she told me that he was ready to go, and that she was Catholic, and she knew he was in a better place. I think I just agreed and said something about him being completely healed now or something like that. I can't really remember, but it's not important. She made me think about how fragile life is, and she also reminded me of how God's timing is so random, unexpected, and just how things can change so quickly, and that God works in and through everyone and every situation and gives us strength and peace in seemingly impossible situations.

After these experiences, my heart melts a little and I see even more than ever that God has given us a life we don't deserve, and that it won't always be comfortable, but we are given SO much grace and He loves us more than we can imagine, even if our circumstances might not make it seem that way. I love this quote from Oswald Chambers: "Do we not see God at work in our circumstances? Dark times are allowed and come to us through the sovereignty of God. Are we prepared to let God do what He wants with us? Are we prepared to be separated from the outward, evident blessings of God? Until Jesus Christ is truly our Lord, we each have goals of our own which we serve. Our faith is real, but it is not yet permanent." God is at work in your circumstances, and in mine.

Faith got me through my journey with cancer, and faith gets us through any difficult circumstance in our lives. We all must have and desire a permanent faith with Christ because Christ is neverfailing and His plans are perfect. I'm almost done with this cancer journey, but I will always have had cancer, and it has changed my life. Well, God has changed my life through it. He has worked in me through His Word and through many other people, including so many friends and family, who have all been so encouraging and uplifting to me. He has worked in me through every obstacle that has come along the journey and that He has helped me to overcome. God's love, power, and healing are extraordinary. Allow Him to heal you, teach you, make you new, and help you to grow. See Christ's hidden blessings in everything and everyone in your life.

Thoughts after Finishing Chemo!

Wow, it's been a tough past 4 months or so. Chemo is such a hard process along the way, and it also completely changes your life. I'm finished with 8 chemo treatments, and I couldn't be more thankful to God for healing me! I still have 4-6 weeks of radiation to complete, starting in a few weeks, but it's really all downhill from here. I am so blessed to have gone through this process because of how much the Lord has taught me through it.

Before I found out that I had cancer, I had been having trouble with patience and trusting God's timing and plan for my life. I didn't really, at the bottom of my heart, want Him to be in complete control because I didn't necessarily believe that EVERYTHING He does is right and perfect for me. There was always a little part of life that I didn't want to completely submit. Cancer humbled me in so many ways, through losing my hair and having to wear hats and look at myself differently, and also through all the pain involved in the process. Losing your hair is tramautizing, and experiencing all of the other side effects is definitely not easy either. Feeling is is never fun, and it's worse when it doesn't go away for a week or so, and then you have a few days of recovery, and then it comes back again. This process has taught me that I can make plans, but God will change them anyway. I can plan my course, but God will determine my steps. I can try to be in control of things, but when I do that, I am showing God that I do not believe He knows what is best for me, and that I do not think He is sovereign. Now, that's not what it truly means to follow God and to give Him all of your heart.

At Campus Outreach on Wednesday night, we were talking about how you can claim to follow Christ and want to follow Him with all of your heart, but at the same time, if you do not give up EVERY SINGLE THING IN YOUR LIFE over to Him and sincerely want to be more like Christ, then your life will not show it. You will become the stereotypical "Christian" who often gets labeled as a hypocrite. Do you want to be labeled as a hypocrite, or do you want people to know you and see through your actions and your life that you have a relationship with Christ? Let Him shine through who you are. He is in control of everything in your life, and your life WILL change IF you know Him and follow hard after Him. Luke 9:23 says, "Whoever wants to be my disciple must take up his cross daily and follow me." Jesus is not our co-pilot: we should change because He should control who we are. Let Him take everything; give Him the wheel. Jesus loves you the way you are, but He refuses to let you stay that way! Let your circumstances work together for good because you genuinely love Him and want your life to reflect that, and because you trust Him and believe with all of your heart that He has your life in His hands. When we look at the real Jesus and choose to follow Him, He will begin to change us from the inside out!

Almost Finished!

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:1-2

I think this verse is so perfect for a cancer journey, and I think it has been so true for mine. This journey has been one I have tried to run through with perseverance, and I have been humbled to the point where I have seen that I can depend only on God and that, by fixing my eyes on the Lord, I can overcome my fears and pain and be healed. There have been ups and downs, surprises, blessings and struggles, but all of it has always been and will always be in God's hands and in His control. I have always liked to be in control, and I've always struggled with wanting to do things my way and on my own schedule. I've always been a people-pleaser and a busy person who tried to do everything and to do it well. I've been a perfectionist, and God's changed my heart a lot as far as that goes, and of course there is still some changing in the works. But, one important lesson I have learned from having cancer and going through this journey is that I have no power or control over my life, and even more importantly, I am not Christ and I will never be as perfect as Christ. I will only be who I am and accomplish what I accomplish because of CHRIST. It has nothing to do with my desires or hopes for myself. I am a sinner, but I have been saved by the grace of God, and I am who I am because of that grace. Furthermore, I am here to live for God's glory and to make His name known.

Another huge lesson I have learned is of course, that things happen when we least expect them to, and we never understand why, but God's timing is never the same as ours and is therefore usually surprising. But, we are supposed to not lean on our own understanding, but TRUST God. Depend on Him because He is the Ruler and the Judge and our Father and our Healer and our source of strength in all times. He is the founder and perfecter of our faith. When we trust Him, especially in hard times, it makes our faith stronger.
Three days after my 21st birthday, I found out I had cancer. It wasn't the best birthday present, but it was something that God knew was going to happen to me, and He had a plan for it. He planned to make me stronger through this journey, and He has and still is. I always trusted that He would be faithful, and I know that He is faithful through the storms, and He has not failed me. He never will fail me. Even if I wasn't healed, I would still love God and I would still say that He has been faithful and that He is good. It would be a lot harder, and sometimes I even wonder why He chose to heal me, but if he hadn't chosen that, I would still be able to say that I am learning so much and that I know other people probably have grown by seeing me go through this journey as well. And that makes me so so happy because God deserves all of the glory from this journey. It hurts me that so many people I know are fighting with cancer or have fought with it in the past. After you have had cancer, you look at it differently, and you understand what it feels like to go through it and you realize really how terrible it is, and life becomes so much more fragile.

I thought a lot about the fragility of life when I was in the hospital twice. I was on the oncology floor, and I would hear other patients screaming and families crying in surrounding rooms. It's pretty scary and it breaks my heart to hear it, and you realize how serious some situations can be. Also, it opened my eyes to the reality of how blessed I really have been because my situation could have been so much worse than it has been. Yes, it's been awful sometimes, and I've had a few surgeries and been in the hospital for about 10 days total and had about 40 or so different doctor's appointments, but I have the most curable cancer, and I'm already healed. All I can say is that God is good, and we will never fully understand why He does things the way He does. We won't ever know exactly why some seem to have to suffer more than others, or why God even allows that suffering. However, we can choose to rejoice always, no matter what the circumstances may be. It may be the hardest thing we have ever done in our life, but we can do anything with God, and suffering just allows us to get a glimpse of what Christ went through when he endured the cross.

I will be completely finished with everything in May, but what I have learned from this journey will stay with me forever, and my relationship with God will have been changed because of this cancer. I can't wait to have hair again and to not have to go to the hospital all the time, but most of all I am just so thankful that God has used this cancer for good. I know that all things work together for good, and I will never doubt that, especially now.

The Unsatisfying World

The world is full of so many distractions and so much idolatry. Today in church, we talked about Paul and Barnabas in Acts, and the zeal that they had for the Lord and for making Him known among the nations. Even in jail, they praised and proclaimed the Word of the Lord and the Lord's saving grace. At the college worship night on Wednesday, we talked about how it is my purpose, your purpose, and the purpose of every believer to make His name known and to bring glory to Him through our lives. However, like many tasks, it can be easier said than done. We can think that we are living for the Lord because we pray and we read the Word, but if we are not reflecting who He is in us through everything we say and do, then we are not living for His purpose and following His will for our lives. We can display the character of Christ through our actions as well as through our words, but we cannot be afraid to speak the words of the Gospel and to have intentional conversations.
It can be so easy to have these conversations with our close Christian friends, but when it comes to sharing the Gospel and talking about the Lord's presence and work in our lives with strangers or acquaintances, we often fear the results of the conversation, and that can keep us from even bringing it up at all. We never know how the other person will respond to what we have to say. Most of the time, our fear comes from lack of trust in the Lord because He is actually the one speaking, not us. What we say has been planned by Him-- every word! We might think we did a terrible job of attempting to share the Gospel, but there is always a chance that God planted a seed in that person, and that even if it seems like he or she didn't like what he or she was hearing, his or her heart could be changed because our God is that good, and He can do anything He wants to do.

I think another big part of our fear that comes when we think about sharing the Gospel is that we are not looking for satisfaction and contentment in the right places. When you struggle with contentment, do you think about in what or whom you are trusting? This is where idolatry enters the picture. We so often look to the things of this world instead of to Christ. Think about this: does anyone or anything have the power or strength to fully satisfy you? We are all sinners and therefore, we can never be perfect. Being fully satisfied comes from being able to hope in something that is perfect and sovereign over everything else. God is the only One who can fully satisfy us. If you are looking for contentment, you should look to Him. Romans 12:2 says, " Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect." Colossians 3:2-4 says, "Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ who is your life appears, then you also will appear with him in glory." If we trust Christ, He will speak through us and transform our minds to become more like Christ, but we must not put our hope in anything else other than in Him.

Our faith does not depend on what we have accomplished in our lives, and our works do not make us more special to God or a better Christian. Faith comes from fully relying on God and trusting His will for your life, regardless of the current circumstances. Whatever you are experiencing right now is temporary. All of the things in this world are temporary. Only Christ and the relationship we have with Him will satisfy us fully and eternally. The Lord casts out His perfect love on us, broken sinners who are deserving of nothing but Hell itself. While we were still sinners, Christ died for us, and He loves us more than anyone can ever love us, and He has given us more than anyone or anything can ever offer us. Eternal life is the ultimate gift, and it is only by the grace and mercy of our God that we are able to have this gift. During Summer Beach Project, we learned the verse Romans 6:23, which says, "For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord." This verse is the one we used to learn how to share the Gospel, and it is a great one to use. But also, ultimately, God does not care what verse we use to share the Gospel. He is glorified through us no matter how we choose to share it! He loves that we desire to share it, and that we will overcome that fear and trust Him. I have so much trouble doing this, and it is definitely a process to be able to share our faith, and with the confidence of the Lord, we can. Mark 9:23 says that anything is possible for those who believe! And of course, Philippians 4:13 says that we can do all things through Christ who strengthens us.

In C.S. Lewis's book Mere Christianity, he says,"If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world." Every Christ-follower should have this desire, and it is because we aren't made for this world! But, we are living in it, and while we are here, our purpose is to proclaim the name of the Lord and to be a light to the world through Christ. Then, we will experience the eternal life of which we are so undeserving but for which we are so thankful. I encourage you to replace your worldly fears with a fear of the Lord which allows you to fully trust and rely on Him and allow Him to work in and through you in your life.

1 more!!

"Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations; I will be exalted in the earth." Psalm 46:10
"Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong. Do everything in love." 1 Corinthians 16:13-14

Be still; stand firm; be courageous; be strong; act out of love. These are all great commands the Lord gives us in His Word, and they are all a challenge to follow, especially when circumstances are trying and difficult. James 1:2-3 says, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance."

For the past 14 weeks or so, I've faced one major trial: cancer, but God has healed me, and I am now in remission. It's been difficult understanding that, although my doctor says I'm in remission, I still have to go through the pain of chemo. Today I woke up and didn't feel like moving from my bed. Chemo just makes you feel that bad, and the Nulasta shot I get on Friday makes it twice as bad on Saturday and Sunday, and sometimes for a few days after that. Knowing that I'm cancer-free, I could not be more thankful for the Lord's faithfulness and answer to prayers.

God has taught me more through having cancer than through anything else. Struggling with something like cancer opens your eyes to the suffering that goes on around the world all the time. God allows suffering because it tests our faith and produces perserverance. I couldn't agree with James more on that one. When I first found out that I had cancer, I was a little upset with God. I wasn't bitter, just confused. I did think,"I don't deserve this. I couldn't be hearing him right. God, what's going on?" But, as I watched my mom's eyes tear up, I found confidence in the Lord and began my struggle to trust Him completely at that very moment.

Before cancer, my life wasn't perfect, but for the most part, I was pretty comfortable with everything in it. With my family, my friends, school, my work load, my growing relationship with the Lord, etc. Having cancer has taught me more and more that God doesn't want our lives to be "comfortable" because not much happens when you're comfortable. Struggles make us stronger and draw us closer to God because when we realize we aren't in control, we have to put our hope and faith in Christ to get us through everything. He promises us that everything will work together for good for those who are called according to His purpose, and He doesn't want us to be anxious or worry about anything, but to find peace in Him. "For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows." 2 Corinthians 1:5. God also wants us to share in Christ's sufferings.

I know you all have also been through a lot of different trials, whether big or small, over the past few months. Trust that God has placed those in your life for a reason, and that He is shaping you into the man or woman He wants you to become by giving you those trials to overcome. I have so much for which to be thankful, and I'm not thankful for cancer, but I'm thankful for what God has taught me through it. I have one more chemo left, and then 3 weeks off before radiation. I'm so excited about finishing chemo and being able to feel more myself. Have a wonderful weekend, and spend some time alone with God, and remember to thank Him for the trials He has placed in your life.

Cast Your Cares on Him

Hey. So I know I haven't blogged in a while. One of the reasons is that I'm back at school, and it's been pretty busy. Another reason, to be completely honest, is that the past few weeks have been kind of hard, and I don't like to complain or be negative. I always try to be really positive, and I do trust God, and I know this is all happening for a reason, but it does get hard sometimes, and it can be really frustrating.

Most of you know I was in the hospital for 5 days during the first week of school. That was tough because I missed a lot of my classes in the beginning, and because they don't really let you sleep much at hospitals. It wasn't fun having a really high fever and feeling sick at the time that I normally feel great (right before I'm supposed to get chemo again). Also, the past 3 chemo treatments have been really hard on me. The doctors all tell you that it gets harder as you go along because your body gets weaker and weaker, but I didn't want to believe it. I want to be normal, and go to school, and hangout with my friends. And sometimes I'm so stubborn that I actually believe I feel completely fine and I try to do everything that everyone who feels normal does, which probably makes me feel worse than I did already. I know, it's not good. But like I've said before, I never got sick much growing up, and being sick for a long period of time is just not fun and hard to accept.

Ever since my last chemo on Thursday, I haven't felt well. The past few days I have felt well off and on, but just not great. I think I'll start to feel better soon, and I'm looking forward to enjoying the next 7 days before my 7th chemo! 7th out of 8 and I'm pretty excited about that. Then there's radiation, but other than the pain of having to go to the hospital 5 days a week, it's SO much easier than chemo. I'll no longer be poisoning my body just so stupid cancer won't grow back in my body.

This has been kind of a negative post. But, sometimes I need to be honest. Even if it's not always in person, at least I'm honest on my blog. I just hate complaining to people. It doesn't help anything, and sometimes pretending I feel okay for the most part actually makes me feel a little better and more normal. Cancer really really STINKS. It does. But I do know for a fact that God is SO much greater than cancer, and that I can trust Him, because He cares for me and He has a plan. I know I say this all the time, but it is what gets you through something like this. No matter how much it stinks, God is sovereign and has a perfect plan, and I have learned to completely trust Him with that. So many other things in life are confusing, but if your life is easy, then God must not be in it. God doesn't want everything to be easy for us. He wants us to desire Him and to have to learn to trust Him. He wants to get the glory from our lives, and that comes from knowing Him and having a relationship with Him and wanting to do everything for Him.

God challenges us, but He blesses us so much more. He blesses us with those challenges, and He teaches us so much through them. That is something else I have learned. Also, God never gives up on us, and He doesn't want us to give up on ourselves. His plan will prevail over everything else. Cast your cares on him because He cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7. God has gotten rid of my cancer, and I trust that it's going to be gone for good! I'm so ready to be finished with this process, but I know that my circumstances have been orchestrated by Him and that He is in control of them. I am blessed to call Him my Savior.

By the way, thank you all so much for the prayers. I appreciate it so much, and it is so encouraging to be surrounded by so many other believers who are so genuinely caring and concerned. I hope everyone has a great night.

A New Semester

Tomorrow I go back to Birmingham to start spring semester classes on Monday. I'm a little nervous about going back because the first two months are going to be a little hectic. Less than 5 weeks from now, I'll be finished with chemo!! I'm so glad. It's funny because I really don't think about it much at all anymore until a few days before and for a few days after, when I feel pretty bad. During the time in between, I feel normal. The PET scan that I had a few weeks ago, when I was half-way finished with chemo, showed little to no cancer cells left in my body, which is amazing! God is so faithful, and prayer is extremely powerful. After I got those results, I wanted to stop getting chemo and going through all of this. But, I know that the doctors know what they are doing, and in order for the cancer to never come back, I need to finish this process. Chemo stinks, but I'm more than willing to finish so that I will never have cancer again, and I will healthy for the rest of my life! Now, I just have 3 more, and I have to get them all in Birmingham. I am more than ready to be back at Samford, but I honestly am a little anxious because it is going to be tough to finish chemo and then have radiation 5 days a week after that. It's not fun, and it's not easy, and I'm trusting that God is going to get me through it and keep me from getting too sick after my treatments so that I don't have to miss too much class. I'm already going to miss 3 Thursdays and 3 Fridays in the first 5 weeks of class, which is a lot. Also, I'm going to be more tired than normal, especially when I'm on Samford schedule instead of break schedule. I'm taking 14 hours(5 classes), and I also have to work on the yearbook a lot, and I'm interning 2 days a week at Flower. I think that my classes will be manageable, it is just the matter of having energy to make up the work that I miss and also to be able to do the things I enjoy, like going to Campus Outreach and to my bible study, and spending time with people! I can't imagine my life without the people I know at Samford and in Birmingham. Most importantly, I can't imagine it without God, and there is no way I could make it through this without Him. I'm dealing with all of this because He knows I can get through it, and it is part of what He has been planning for me before I was even born. He knows everything about me, and He gives me strength to get through everything. I'm leaning on Him and trusting Him to get me through the rest of this process and to help me have fun at school at the same time, and to continue to enjoy my time and my relationships there. In 2 months, I can see myself rejoicing because I will still be cancer-free like I am now, and I will be able to live life with one less weight on my shoulders, and I will see even more clearly why God has placed me in this situation this year. I love Him no matter how hard things get, and I love Him even more when I see how faithful He is through the storms of life, and that I can still have so much joy because the Lord gives it to me constantly! I'm looking forward to this semester because I know God has so much to teach me and show me through everything that will happen and through everyone in my life. I thank Him for that, and I feel blessed to be able to spend another semester at Samford:)

Relationships, Fear, and Jesus

With a new semester starting just days away, I have had a lot on my mind. A lot happened last semester, and it was tough, but it was exciting. When I say that it was exciting, I am referring to the excitement that comes when you look at God's work and realize that He has been so faithful. At the beginning of the semester, God began to place a lot of new people and friends in my life, and throughout the semester, I was able to see the reason that each one was placed in my life, and also to see the potential for relationships in the future. I hate surface-level relationships, and it is exciting to me when I can develop relationships with people and have good conversations. Every relationship, no matter what type, is an opportunity to love someone as God loves us, and to put another person's interests above our own.

Philippians 2:3 says that, in humility, we should count others more significant than ourselves. 1 John 4:19 says that we love because He first loved us. John 15:13 says that there is nothing greater than the man who lays down his life for his friends. It is so challenging for us to love like Jesus, but it is so beautiful when we do. This past semester, the relationships I already had before developed, and I started a lot of new ones. I met a lot of new people, or got to know acquaintances a lot better. You know who you are, but I am so blessed for each relationship in my life, and it is so great to see God working in each one. Every relationship is different, and some are deeper or more personal than others, but if you are open, honest, and genuine in your relationships, each one will be special in its own way.

You will find encouragement, accountability, and love. You will see the light of Christ in others when you may have not seen it before. You will talk about things you have never revealed to anyone other than God. You will share your heart, and you will find that it is a lot easier than you thought. You will realize that you are not perfect, and that no one is. You will see that no relationship can be perfect, but that you can have unconditional love in relationships, and that does make them a lot easier. As you develop strong relationships with people, you learn to judge less and less and to accept, respect, and appreciate more and more. But most of all, you learn that the most important relationship you will ever has is the relationship you have with Jesus Christ. That relationship will always be a struggle, and you will have to learn to devote the most time to it in order to grow, but it will be more than worth it. Without that relationship, you leave a hole in your life that cannot be replaced by anything or anyone else. You can try to fill the hole, but you will constantly fail and look for something else to satisfy you.

I've been thinking about fear recently-fear in relationships. There is a difference between fear and fear of the Lord. Fear comes from Satan, and fear of the Lord comes from one's relationship with the Lord. Fear of the Lord is good. But fear is not good. When we fear, we are allowing Satan to control us, to manipulate our feelings. We allow anxiety to take over. The Lord tells us not to fear, for He is with us, and He will never leave or forsake us. We are to not fear the future or to be anxious about what is to come. Proverbs 31:30 says that a woman who fears the Lord shall be praised. People who fear the Lord are serious about their relationship with Him. They want to please Him in everything they do, but they also know that we please the Lord through our faith, not by our works. They trust the Lord with their lives, and they believe that He has a perfect plan. They are not anxious about what is to come, but they have faith that He has it under control.
Luke 1:50 says that "his mercy is for those who fear him from generation to generation." Our relationship with the Lord should be based on fear, but a fear of the Lord, which is also a realization and appreciation of the mercy He gives to us. If we want our other relationships to mirror our relationship with Christ, then we need to allow our fear of the Lord to control those relationships. Trust the Lord to work in your relationships with other people, and to use them to allow your relationship with Him to improve. Ask Him to show you ways to improve your relationships, and ways that you can learn from each other and encourage one another. Thank Him for the relationships that you have, and pray that they will continue to develop into Christ-like relationships, and that they will last.

Our earthly relationships are not eternal, but our relationship with God is. It is the toughest relationship to maintain unless you are disciplined and genuinely want to grow, but it is also the easiest relationship to have. Christ offers everyone the chance to have a relationship with Him because He loves each one of us and died for each of us. He wants to work in us and change us, and He also wants to show who He is through the other relationships we have. Treasure your relationships, and make your relationship with God the most important, and it will change the way you look at life, and the way you look at the other relationships in your life.

Staying Positive

My throat feels like it's swelling up. My taste buds are all weird. I've had about 20 cans of ginger ale or sprite in the past 2 days because everything else tastes disgusting. I've had a queasy feeling in my stomach since yesterday morning. These are some of the realities of chemo and it's effects. It flat out stinks. I hate chemo. I wish they would call it something else. Something that describes it better. Instead, they call it chemotherapy. Therapy is supposed to be good for you and make you feel good. Chemo doesn't make you feel good until you're completely finished with all of it. Chemo is good only because it heals us, which is obviously great. I can stay positive because I will be finished with chemo less than 6 weeks from now, and I'm more than ready. God has a plan, and even if sometimes, things stink, you can always learn from them. He is in control, and He will be faithful, even through the storms of your life. Today I'm just being honest. It's easy to stay positive, and to have a good attitude, and to trust God, especially since I just found out that I'm basically already cancer-free, which is awesome. Praise God. But I also just wanted to be realistic. Chemo stinks. But God IS WAY BIGGER than chemo and cancer.

Happy New Year!!

Hi:)
I haven't been feeling too great lately, and today I've just been hanging out in my room, reading and journaling. I wanted to share what I was journaling today.

Happy New Year! 2010 was a pretty interesting year. It was full of ups and downs, surprises, both good and bad, and a lot of learning through experiences. I can't remember what I was doing on this day a year ago, but I do know that God has continued to transform me into the woman He plans for me to be. I'm so thankful for that. About two years ago, I decided that I wanted to give my whole life to Christ, not just part of it. I want to grow to be more like Christ, and I know it is a process, and He continues to show me that. As soon as I made the choice to follow Christ, He began to change my heart, and I began to see life in a different light. It wasn't just about me, and I wasn't ever going to find anything to make me fully content.

Only God can fulfill our discontentment. He gives us life, and He forgives us and cleanses us of our sins. In Him, we are new creations, for the Lord makes all things new. Before I wanted to know God, He knew everything about me, and He had a plan for my life. I was selfish and wanted to be in control of my own life, yet the Lord is the only one who can be in control-- He is sovereign. I can plan my course, but the Lord will establish my steps.

This past year, I have learned more about what it truly means to follow Christ and to genuinely love and want to live for the Lord. Sometimes I do things and later wish that someone would have stopped me in my tracks and told me that I was making a bad decision or that I was trying to justify something in my head, but that I wasn't following the Lord with my actions. Satan takes a hold of us sometimes, and no matter how hard we try to fight against it, we are prone to sin. However, God has my heart. Satan can try to mess with it, but it belongs to God, and no matter how many times or how far we stray from Him, He always wants us to come running back to Him. If you have regrets, think about what would have happened if you hadn't experienced whatever it was that you regret. When I think about that, it helps me to see how God has strengthened me, through EVERYTHING.

We turn against the Lord, but if we desire to follow His will, and if we've entrusted our heart to Him, He will work through everything. This year, God has taught me to trust Him, to depend solely on Him, to give Him everything daily, to be fearless because He holds me in His hands, to be patient and wait on His timing, to love others unconditionally like He loves us, and most importantly, that I can desire to follow all of this, but that I will always struggle, and that I can only boast in Him because we cannot earn righteousness through anything we do. We are righteous only because of Him, and we will fail, but He wants a relationship with us anyway! He knows we are imperfect, and He loves us for our imperfections. If only we could all love each other like that. One day in Heaven, it will be like that, and it will be amazing.

God has also taught me that if you have faith in Him, He will be faithful to you. In the past year, I have also been clearly shown that because God is our source of strength, when we face situations that scare us to death, like sharing your faith in front of a room full of people or fighting cancer, He supplies us with the strength we need. It might not be the most pleasant experience of your life, but He will shine in everything, and nothing is impossible with God.

I'm excited to see what God has in His plans for 2011. I'm slightly nervous, but I know I can be at peace because God already has a perfect plan! No matter how hard we try to be in control and manipulate our lives, God will show us that He is sovereign. Also, His grace covers our sins. We are saved by grace, and He has set us free. I hope that in 2011, you can all see and embrace your freedom in Christ, and allow Him to work in you and through you with that in mind.
"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." -Galatians 5:1