Staying Strong

I'm going to try to update this blog every now and then. I haven't been very good at blogging this semester. Today I'm having a little bit of a rough time. Last night I decided to go ahead and get my hair buzzed because it was falling out everywhere, and the top of my head was already pretty bald. A few of my wonderful friends went with me, and I just love them so much. I don't know what I would do if God had not put each one of them in my life. I know they are all in it for a reason, and I'm so blessed to call them my friends. There are also so many other people and friends I have who have been so encouraging throughout the past several weeks, and I'm so thankful for them as well. Knowing how much people care sometimes just leaves me speechless, but I know that the love and encouragement they are able to give is because of God. It's all because of God.

I woke up this morning and got in the shower and kind of freaked out when I ran my fingers through what's left of my hair. I think I would rather just have it all gone, and I'm going to go shave it when I get home this week. In the Bible, hair is actually a symbol of a woman's glory, and long hair used to be considered prideful. That makes me feel a little better, but it's still hard. I can tell myself it's just hair, but I don't really think that is the source of the problem. Yes, I'm kind of disheartened by the fact that my head is practically bald, but what is really making me upset is just the fact that it's so different from anything I've ever experienced before, and that's scary in itself. It's looking at myself in a different way than ever before that is so difficult to do. It's painful trying to see myself through God's eyes only. He thinks we're all beautiful because we are His creations--not because of the hair on our heads. He does know how many we have though! "But the Lord said to Samuel, 'Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.'” --1 Samuel 16:7. Having almost no hair is so humbling that it hurts. But it's okay to be sad sometimes, as long as you realize that you need to look to God for your strength, and only He can heal the hurt, the sick, the sad, and the wounded. So, I guess my tears are okay. I always feel so... weak when I cry, but we are weak! That's why it is already so humbling for me, even just because I'm realizing that even more every day. We are weak, but He is strong. And He can get me through anything and everything that comes my way because it is in His plan. Trust Him with all of your heart.

A Blessing in Disguise

I wanted to share a little of what I was thinking about when I was journaling today:)

So it's been pretty crazy for the past month or so. But even though I'm a little scared right now, I know God is with me, and I'm learning a lot through this. A few weeks ago when I was diagnosed with Hodgkins, I kind of just sat there, almost laughing to myself. I was somewhat surprised by the words that came out of my surgeon's mouth, but also somewhat not. I don't know why, but I kind of had a feeling that God was doing something crazy in my life, and that it was in the works. Things had already been a little crazy this semester, and I had already been learning a lot about patience and also just the fact that you can't let the little things in life get you down. There are so many examples of this, but I won't list them all.

The big things are another story. Cancer is definitely one of these. I hate the word "cancer." Maybe because I associate it with family members who have passed away, sad movies, being terminally ill, etc. I don't know, I just really don't like the word. The same goes for "disease"-- it just sounds contagious and not fun. I could call having "cancer" or a "disease" a curse, but I think the phrase I'll put with it is "an unfortunate blessing in disguise." How is having Hodgkin's lymphoma a blessing in disguise? I'm going to be honest and say that it's been hard for me to see it as that, but I'm starting to. The fact that it's a blessing in disguise does not have to mean that it is something easy to fathom. In fact, it is quite the opposite! No one wants to have cancer, and no one knows what it feels like to have it until you do. A lot of cancer patients ask, "Why me?", and even some become depressed because they can just not beat the fact that something is attacking their body and they may not be capable of fighting it. It's a scary thing, especially if you are really young or old and weak. For someone like me, a girl in her 20s who has been fairly athletic most of her life, it is still scary, but it already gives me a greater chance of winning the fight. The good thing with Hodgkin's is that I don't have to worry about that! It's almost 100% cureable, which is such a blessing. Yes, I still have to go through chemo and radiation, but after a few more months, I'm going to have hair again, be cancer-free, and live a long, normal life. I know that this unfortunate blessing in disguise is as part of God's plan for my life, and He wants to make my faith stronger through it.

Right now, it's been kind of hard to focus on anything else by my health, but the fact that I have so much else going on in my life on which I need/want to focus, has drawn me closer to God, if that makes any sense at all. Life has never been about me, even I have wanted it to be sometimes. It's always been about Him. Ironically, because of my circumstances, I do have to focus on myself in that I have to take care of myself and get well, but I have been learning more and more about getting the focus off of myself. I have always hated getting sick, and when I do, which has hardly ever happened, I hate it because I don't like getting attention or having people go out of their way. Lately, I've been really humbled because I've had to realize that sometimes it has to be okay. I have never liked the focus to be on me, especially since I'm the middle child. I've always been independent.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, it's been humbling to have to fight something and to face a lot of new experiences. I think the thing that has bothered me the most recently is that I desperately want God to be getting the attention and not me. I want Him to get the glory. He is way bigger than this, and He has a plan for it. I've been fighting with myself some, and I've been slowly learning how to rely on Him for everything and to trust in His perfect plans. I'm so much more thankful for the blessings I have been given, which are so undeserved. It is making me recognize the idols that I have and showing me that they are of no worth and only God is worthy of any praise. The fears I've had to face and am going to face are all in God's hands. Deuteronomy 31:6 says to be strong and courageous and to not fear because the Lord is with me and will never leave or forsake me. No matter what we are going through, God is with us, and He works everything together for our good. He is our Shepherd and he leads us in paths of righteousness for HIs name's sake. "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me, your rod and your staff, they comfort me." Psalm 23:4.

Facing the unknown is a scary thing. It's difficult to know that God is with you and to feel His presence as well as to believe that he completely covers all of my doubts, fears, worries, etc. I pray that we can all turn to the Lord's peace and comfort when we need it because that is something we will never be able to find on our own. One of my favorite chapters of the Bible is Philippians 4. The end of verse 5 through verse 7 says, "The Lord is at hand. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." I need this reminder daily. In fact, I should probably write it on a hat and wear it around every day. And maybe I should write it backwards so I can read it whenever I look in a mirror. :) No, but seriously, it's a struggle to follow this verse and to believe it wholeheartedly and all the time, but when we seek God, He answers our prayers and comforts us with that peace that surpasses all understanding. It's true.

I'm not perfect, that's for sure, but I do know that God uses these "unfortunate blessings in disguise" and suffering as an attempt to mold us into the image of Christ. I hope and pray that I can become more like Christ through all of the trials I encounter in my life, and right now, this one. It's a little scary, extremely humbling, and easily capable of consuming my thoughts, but if I allow God to completely take over, I think I'm going to look back on this time later and understand everything and see that God has done a lot of work through it. I can already it happening. God is so good, and we can bring Him all the glory even through trials that we face. They can be so frustrating, but I just want to encourage you to remember that He has a plan, and that will keep you strong. And prayer always helps too:) "Cast your anxieties on Him, for he cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7