Wow, it's been a tough past 4 months or so. Chemo is such a hard process along the way, and it also completely changes your life. I'm finished with 8 chemo treatments, and I couldn't be more thankful to God for healing me! I still have 4-6 weeks of radiation to complete, starting in a few weeks, but it's really all downhill from here. I am so blessed to have gone through this process because of how much the Lord has taught me through it.
Before I found out that I had cancer, I had been having trouble with patience and trusting God's timing and plan for my life. I didn't really, at the bottom of my heart, want Him to be in complete control because I didn't necessarily believe that EVERYTHING He does is right and perfect for me. There was always a little part of life that I didn't want to completely submit. Cancer humbled me in so many ways, through losing my hair and having to wear hats and look at myself differently, and also through all the pain involved in the process. Losing your hair is tramautizing, and experiencing all of the other side effects is definitely not easy either. Feeling is is never fun, and it's worse when it doesn't go away for a week or so, and then you have a few days of recovery, and then it comes back again. This process has taught me that I can make plans, but God will change them anyway. I can plan my course, but God will determine my steps. I can try to be in control of things, but when I do that, I am showing God that I do not believe He knows what is best for me, and that I do not think He is sovereign. Now, that's not what it truly means to follow God and to give Him all of your heart.
At Campus Outreach on Wednesday night, we were talking about how you can claim to follow Christ and want to follow Him with all of your heart, but at the same time, if you do not give up EVERY SINGLE THING IN YOUR LIFE over to Him and sincerely want to be more like Christ, then your life will not show it. You will become the stereotypical "Christian" who often gets labeled as a hypocrite. Do you want to be labeled as a hypocrite, or do you want people to know you and see through your actions and your life that you have a relationship with Christ? Let Him shine through who you are. He is in control of everything in your life, and your life WILL change IF you know Him and follow hard after Him. Luke 9:23 says, "Whoever wants to be my disciple must take up his cross daily and follow me." Jesus is not our co-pilot: we should change because He should control who we are. Let Him take everything; give Him the wheel. Jesus loves you the way you are, but He refuses to let you stay that way! Let your circumstances work together for good because you genuinely love Him and want your life to reflect that, and because you trust Him and believe with all of your heart that He has your life in His hands. When we look at the real Jesus and choose to follow Him, He will begin to change us from the inside out!
Friday, March 4, 2011
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Almost Finished!
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:1-2
I think this verse is so perfect for a cancer journey, and I think it has been so true for mine. This journey has been one I have tried to run through with perseverance, and I have been humbled to the point where I have seen that I can depend only on God and that, by fixing my eyes on the Lord, I can overcome my fears and pain and be healed. There have been ups and downs, surprises, blessings and struggles, but all of it has always been and will always be in God's hands and in His control. I have always liked to be in control, and I've always struggled with wanting to do things my way and on my own schedule. I've always been a people-pleaser and a busy person who tried to do everything and to do it well. I've been a perfectionist, and God's changed my heart a lot as far as that goes, and of course there is still some changing in the works. But, one important lesson I have learned from having cancer and going through this journey is that I have no power or control over my life, and even more importantly, I am not Christ and I will never be as perfect as Christ. I will only be who I am and accomplish what I accomplish because of CHRIST. It has nothing to do with my desires or hopes for myself. I am a sinner, but I have been saved by the grace of God, and I am who I am because of that grace. Furthermore, I am here to live for God's glory and to make His name known.
Another huge lesson I have learned is of course, that things happen when we least expect them to, and we never understand why, but God's timing is never the same as ours and is therefore usually surprising. But, we are supposed to not lean on our own understanding, but TRUST God. Depend on Him because He is the Ruler and the Judge and our Father and our Healer and our source of strength in all times. He is the founder and perfecter of our faith. When we trust Him, especially in hard times, it makes our faith stronger.
Three days after my 21st birthday, I found out I had cancer. It wasn't the best birthday present, but it was something that God knew was going to happen to me, and He had a plan for it. He planned to make me stronger through this journey, and He has and still is. I always trusted that He would be faithful, and I know that He is faithful through the storms, and He has not failed me. He never will fail me. Even if I wasn't healed, I would still love God and I would still say that He has been faithful and that He is good. It would be a lot harder, and sometimes I even wonder why He chose to heal me, but if he hadn't chosen that, I would still be able to say that I am learning so much and that I know other people probably have grown by seeing me go through this journey as well. And that makes me so so happy because God deserves all of the glory from this journey. It hurts me that so many people I know are fighting with cancer or have fought with it in the past. After you have had cancer, you look at it differently, and you understand what it feels like to go through it and you realize really how terrible it is, and life becomes so much more fragile.
I thought a lot about the fragility of life when I was in the hospital twice. I was on the oncology floor, and I would hear other patients screaming and families crying in surrounding rooms. It's pretty scary and it breaks my heart to hear it, and you realize how serious some situations can be. Also, it opened my eyes to the reality of how blessed I really have been because my situation could have been so much worse than it has been. Yes, it's been awful sometimes, and I've had a few surgeries and been in the hospital for about 10 days total and had about 40 or so different doctor's appointments, but I have the most curable cancer, and I'm already healed. All I can say is that God is good, and we will never fully understand why He does things the way He does. We won't ever know exactly why some seem to have to suffer more than others, or why God even allows that suffering. However, we can choose to rejoice always, no matter what the circumstances may be. It may be the hardest thing we have ever done in our life, but we can do anything with God, and suffering just allows us to get a glimpse of what Christ went through when he endured the cross.
I will be completely finished with everything in May, but what I have learned from this journey will stay with me forever, and my relationship with God will have been changed because of this cancer. I can't wait to have hair again and to not have to go to the hospital all the time, but most of all I am just so thankful that God has used this cancer for good. I know that all things work together for good, and I will never doubt that, especially now.
I think this verse is so perfect for a cancer journey, and I think it has been so true for mine. This journey has been one I have tried to run through with perseverance, and I have been humbled to the point where I have seen that I can depend only on God and that, by fixing my eyes on the Lord, I can overcome my fears and pain and be healed. There have been ups and downs, surprises, blessings and struggles, but all of it has always been and will always be in God's hands and in His control. I have always liked to be in control, and I've always struggled with wanting to do things my way and on my own schedule. I've always been a people-pleaser and a busy person who tried to do everything and to do it well. I've been a perfectionist, and God's changed my heart a lot as far as that goes, and of course there is still some changing in the works. But, one important lesson I have learned from having cancer and going through this journey is that I have no power or control over my life, and even more importantly, I am not Christ and I will never be as perfect as Christ. I will only be who I am and accomplish what I accomplish because of CHRIST. It has nothing to do with my desires or hopes for myself. I am a sinner, but I have been saved by the grace of God, and I am who I am because of that grace. Furthermore, I am here to live for God's glory and to make His name known.
Another huge lesson I have learned is of course, that things happen when we least expect them to, and we never understand why, but God's timing is never the same as ours and is therefore usually surprising. But, we are supposed to not lean on our own understanding, but TRUST God. Depend on Him because He is the Ruler and the Judge and our Father and our Healer and our source of strength in all times. He is the founder and perfecter of our faith. When we trust Him, especially in hard times, it makes our faith stronger.
Three days after my 21st birthday, I found out I had cancer. It wasn't the best birthday present, but it was something that God knew was going to happen to me, and He had a plan for it. He planned to make me stronger through this journey, and He has and still is. I always trusted that He would be faithful, and I know that He is faithful through the storms, and He has not failed me. He never will fail me. Even if I wasn't healed, I would still love God and I would still say that He has been faithful and that He is good. It would be a lot harder, and sometimes I even wonder why He chose to heal me, but if he hadn't chosen that, I would still be able to say that I am learning so much and that I know other people probably have grown by seeing me go through this journey as well. And that makes me so so happy because God deserves all of the glory from this journey. It hurts me that so many people I know are fighting with cancer or have fought with it in the past. After you have had cancer, you look at it differently, and you understand what it feels like to go through it and you realize really how terrible it is, and life becomes so much more fragile.
I thought a lot about the fragility of life when I was in the hospital twice. I was on the oncology floor, and I would hear other patients screaming and families crying in surrounding rooms. It's pretty scary and it breaks my heart to hear it, and you realize how serious some situations can be. Also, it opened my eyes to the reality of how blessed I really have been because my situation could have been so much worse than it has been. Yes, it's been awful sometimes, and I've had a few surgeries and been in the hospital for about 10 days total and had about 40 or so different doctor's appointments, but I have the most curable cancer, and I'm already healed. All I can say is that God is good, and we will never fully understand why He does things the way He does. We won't ever know exactly why some seem to have to suffer more than others, or why God even allows that suffering. However, we can choose to rejoice always, no matter what the circumstances may be. It may be the hardest thing we have ever done in our life, but we can do anything with God, and suffering just allows us to get a glimpse of what Christ went through when he endured the cross.
I will be completely finished with everything in May, but what I have learned from this journey will stay with me forever, and my relationship with God will have been changed because of this cancer. I can't wait to have hair again and to not have to go to the hospital all the time, but most of all I am just so thankful that God has used this cancer for good. I know that all things work together for good, and I will never doubt that, especially now.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
The Unsatisfying World
The world is full of so many distractions and so much idolatry. Today in church, we talked about Paul and Barnabas in Acts, and the zeal that they had for the Lord and for making Him known among the nations. Even in jail, they praised and proclaimed the Word of the Lord and the Lord's saving grace. At the college worship night on Wednesday, we talked about how it is my purpose, your purpose, and the purpose of every believer to make His name known and to bring glory to Him through our lives. However, like many tasks, it can be easier said than done. We can think that we are living for the Lord because we pray and we read the Word, but if we are not reflecting who He is in us through everything we say and do, then we are not living for His purpose and following His will for our lives. We can display the character of Christ through our actions as well as through our words, but we cannot be afraid to speak the words of the Gospel and to have intentional conversations.
It can be so easy to have these conversations with our close Christian friends, but when it comes to sharing the Gospel and talking about the Lord's presence and work in our lives with strangers or acquaintances, we often fear the results of the conversation, and that can keep us from even bringing it up at all. We never know how the other person will respond to what we have to say. Most of the time, our fear comes from lack of trust in the Lord because He is actually the one speaking, not us. What we say has been planned by Him-- every word! We might think we did a terrible job of attempting to share the Gospel, but there is always a chance that God planted a seed in that person, and that even if it seems like he or she didn't like what he or she was hearing, his or her heart could be changed because our God is that good, and He can do anything He wants to do.
I think another big part of our fear that comes when we think about sharing the Gospel is that we are not looking for satisfaction and contentment in the right places. When you struggle with contentment, do you think about in what or whom you are trusting? This is where idolatry enters the picture. We so often look to the things of this world instead of to Christ. Think about this: does anyone or anything have the power or strength to fully satisfy you? We are all sinners and therefore, we can never be perfect. Being fully satisfied comes from being able to hope in something that is perfect and sovereign over everything else. God is the only One who can fully satisfy us. If you are looking for contentment, you should look to Him. Romans 12:2 says, " Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect." Colossians 3:2-4 says, "Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ who is your life appears, then you also will appear with him in glory." If we trust Christ, He will speak through us and transform our minds to become more like Christ, but we must not put our hope in anything else other than in Him.
Our faith does not depend on what we have accomplished in our lives, and our works do not make us more special to God or a better Christian. Faith comes from fully relying on God and trusting His will for your life, regardless of the current circumstances. Whatever you are experiencing right now is temporary. All of the things in this world are temporary. Only Christ and the relationship we have with Him will satisfy us fully and eternally. The Lord casts out His perfect love on us, broken sinners who are deserving of nothing but Hell itself. While we were still sinners, Christ died for us, and He loves us more than anyone can ever love us, and He has given us more than anyone or anything can ever offer us. Eternal life is the ultimate gift, and it is only by the grace and mercy of our God that we are able to have this gift. During Summer Beach Project, we learned the verse Romans 6:23, which says, "For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord." This verse is the one we used to learn how to share the Gospel, and it is a great one to use. But also, ultimately, God does not care what verse we use to share the Gospel. He is glorified through us no matter how we choose to share it! He loves that we desire to share it, and that we will overcome that fear and trust Him. I have so much trouble doing this, and it is definitely a process to be able to share our faith, and with the confidence of the Lord, we can. Mark 9:23 says that anything is possible for those who believe! And of course, Philippians 4:13 says that we can do all things through Christ who strengthens us.
In C.S. Lewis's book Mere Christianity, he says,"If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world." Every Christ-follower should have this desire, and it is because we aren't made for this world! But, we are living in it, and while we are here, our purpose is to proclaim the name of the Lord and to be a light to the world through Christ. Then, we will experience the eternal life of which we are so undeserving but for which we are so thankful. I encourage you to replace your worldly fears with a fear of the Lord which allows you to fully trust and rely on Him and allow Him to work in and through you in your life.
It can be so easy to have these conversations with our close Christian friends, but when it comes to sharing the Gospel and talking about the Lord's presence and work in our lives with strangers or acquaintances, we often fear the results of the conversation, and that can keep us from even bringing it up at all. We never know how the other person will respond to what we have to say. Most of the time, our fear comes from lack of trust in the Lord because He is actually the one speaking, not us. What we say has been planned by Him-- every word! We might think we did a terrible job of attempting to share the Gospel, but there is always a chance that God planted a seed in that person, and that even if it seems like he or she didn't like what he or she was hearing, his or her heart could be changed because our God is that good, and He can do anything He wants to do.
I think another big part of our fear that comes when we think about sharing the Gospel is that we are not looking for satisfaction and contentment in the right places. When you struggle with contentment, do you think about in what or whom you are trusting? This is where idolatry enters the picture. We so often look to the things of this world instead of to Christ. Think about this: does anyone or anything have the power or strength to fully satisfy you? We are all sinners and therefore, we can never be perfect. Being fully satisfied comes from being able to hope in something that is perfect and sovereign over everything else. God is the only One who can fully satisfy us. If you are looking for contentment, you should look to Him. Romans 12:2 says, " Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect." Colossians 3:2-4 says, "Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ who is your life appears, then you also will appear with him in glory." If we trust Christ, He will speak through us and transform our minds to become more like Christ, but we must not put our hope in anything else other than in Him.
Our faith does not depend on what we have accomplished in our lives, and our works do not make us more special to God or a better Christian. Faith comes from fully relying on God and trusting His will for your life, regardless of the current circumstances. Whatever you are experiencing right now is temporary. All of the things in this world are temporary. Only Christ and the relationship we have with Him will satisfy us fully and eternally. The Lord casts out His perfect love on us, broken sinners who are deserving of nothing but Hell itself. While we were still sinners, Christ died for us, and He loves us more than anyone can ever love us, and He has given us more than anyone or anything can ever offer us. Eternal life is the ultimate gift, and it is only by the grace and mercy of our God that we are able to have this gift. During Summer Beach Project, we learned the verse Romans 6:23, which says, "For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord." This verse is the one we used to learn how to share the Gospel, and it is a great one to use. But also, ultimately, God does not care what verse we use to share the Gospel. He is glorified through us no matter how we choose to share it! He loves that we desire to share it, and that we will overcome that fear and trust Him. I have so much trouble doing this, and it is definitely a process to be able to share our faith, and with the confidence of the Lord, we can. Mark 9:23 says that anything is possible for those who believe! And of course, Philippians 4:13 says that we can do all things through Christ who strengthens us.
In C.S. Lewis's book Mere Christianity, he says,"If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world." Every Christ-follower should have this desire, and it is because we aren't made for this world! But, we are living in it, and while we are here, our purpose is to proclaim the name of the Lord and to be a light to the world through Christ. Then, we will experience the eternal life of which we are so undeserving but for which we are so thankful. I encourage you to replace your worldly fears with a fear of the Lord which allows you to fully trust and rely on Him and allow Him to work in and through you in your life.
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