Staying Strong

I'm going to try to update this blog every now and then. I haven't been very good at blogging this semester. Today I'm having a little bit of a rough time. Last night I decided to go ahead and get my hair buzzed because it was falling out everywhere, and the top of my head was already pretty bald. A few of my wonderful friends went with me, and I just love them so much. I don't know what I would do if God had not put each one of them in my life. I know they are all in it for a reason, and I'm so blessed to call them my friends. There are also so many other people and friends I have who have been so encouraging throughout the past several weeks, and I'm so thankful for them as well. Knowing how much people care sometimes just leaves me speechless, but I know that the love and encouragement they are able to give is because of God. It's all because of God.

I woke up this morning and got in the shower and kind of freaked out when I ran my fingers through what's left of my hair. I think I would rather just have it all gone, and I'm going to go shave it when I get home this week. In the Bible, hair is actually a symbol of a woman's glory, and long hair used to be considered prideful. That makes me feel a little better, but it's still hard. I can tell myself it's just hair, but I don't really think that is the source of the problem. Yes, I'm kind of disheartened by the fact that my head is practically bald, but what is really making me upset is just the fact that it's so different from anything I've ever experienced before, and that's scary in itself. It's looking at myself in a different way than ever before that is so difficult to do. It's painful trying to see myself through God's eyes only. He thinks we're all beautiful because we are His creations--not because of the hair on our heads. He does know how many we have though! "But the Lord said to Samuel, 'Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.'” --1 Samuel 16:7. Having almost no hair is so humbling that it hurts. But it's okay to be sad sometimes, as long as you realize that you need to look to God for your strength, and only He can heal the hurt, the sick, the sad, and the wounded. So, I guess my tears are okay. I always feel so... weak when I cry, but we are weak! That's why it is already so humbling for me, even just because I'm realizing that even more every day. We are weak, but He is strong. And He can get me through anything and everything that comes my way because it is in His plan. Trust Him with all of your heart.

A Blessing in Disguise

I wanted to share a little of what I was thinking about when I was journaling today:)

So it's been pretty crazy for the past month or so. But even though I'm a little scared right now, I know God is with me, and I'm learning a lot through this. A few weeks ago when I was diagnosed with Hodgkins, I kind of just sat there, almost laughing to myself. I was somewhat surprised by the words that came out of my surgeon's mouth, but also somewhat not. I don't know why, but I kind of had a feeling that God was doing something crazy in my life, and that it was in the works. Things had already been a little crazy this semester, and I had already been learning a lot about patience and also just the fact that you can't let the little things in life get you down. There are so many examples of this, but I won't list them all.

The big things are another story. Cancer is definitely one of these. I hate the word "cancer." Maybe because I associate it with family members who have passed away, sad movies, being terminally ill, etc. I don't know, I just really don't like the word. The same goes for "disease"-- it just sounds contagious and not fun. I could call having "cancer" or a "disease" a curse, but I think the phrase I'll put with it is "an unfortunate blessing in disguise." How is having Hodgkin's lymphoma a blessing in disguise? I'm going to be honest and say that it's been hard for me to see it as that, but I'm starting to. The fact that it's a blessing in disguise does not have to mean that it is something easy to fathom. In fact, it is quite the opposite! No one wants to have cancer, and no one knows what it feels like to have it until you do. A lot of cancer patients ask, "Why me?", and even some become depressed because they can just not beat the fact that something is attacking their body and they may not be capable of fighting it. It's a scary thing, especially if you are really young or old and weak. For someone like me, a girl in her 20s who has been fairly athletic most of her life, it is still scary, but it already gives me a greater chance of winning the fight. The good thing with Hodgkin's is that I don't have to worry about that! It's almost 100% cureable, which is such a blessing. Yes, I still have to go through chemo and radiation, but after a few more months, I'm going to have hair again, be cancer-free, and live a long, normal life. I know that this unfortunate blessing in disguise is as part of God's plan for my life, and He wants to make my faith stronger through it.

Right now, it's been kind of hard to focus on anything else by my health, but the fact that I have so much else going on in my life on which I need/want to focus, has drawn me closer to God, if that makes any sense at all. Life has never been about me, even I have wanted it to be sometimes. It's always been about Him. Ironically, because of my circumstances, I do have to focus on myself in that I have to take care of myself and get well, but I have been learning more and more about getting the focus off of myself. I have always hated getting sick, and when I do, which has hardly ever happened, I hate it because I don't like getting attention or having people go out of their way. Lately, I've been really humbled because I've had to realize that sometimes it has to be okay. I have never liked the focus to be on me, especially since I'm the middle child. I've always been independent.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, it's been humbling to have to fight something and to face a lot of new experiences. I think the thing that has bothered me the most recently is that I desperately want God to be getting the attention and not me. I want Him to get the glory. He is way bigger than this, and He has a plan for it. I've been fighting with myself some, and I've been slowly learning how to rely on Him for everything and to trust in His perfect plans. I'm so much more thankful for the blessings I have been given, which are so undeserved. It is making me recognize the idols that I have and showing me that they are of no worth and only God is worthy of any praise. The fears I've had to face and am going to face are all in God's hands. Deuteronomy 31:6 says to be strong and courageous and to not fear because the Lord is with me and will never leave or forsake me. No matter what we are going through, God is with us, and He works everything together for our good. He is our Shepherd and he leads us in paths of righteousness for HIs name's sake. "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me, your rod and your staff, they comfort me." Psalm 23:4.

Facing the unknown is a scary thing. It's difficult to know that God is with you and to feel His presence as well as to believe that he completely covers all of my doubts, fears, worries, etc. I pray that we can all turn to the Lord's peace and comfort when we need it because that is something we will never be able to find on our own. One of my favorite chapters of the Bible is Philippians 4. The end of verse 5 through verse 7 says, "The Lord is at hand. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." I need this reminder daily. In fact, I should probably write it on a hat and wear it around every day. And maybe I should write it backwards so I can read it whenever I look in a mirror. :) No, but seriously, it's a struggle to follow this verse and to believe it wholeheartedly and all the time, but when we seek God, He answers our prayers and comforts us with that peace that surpasses all understanding. It's true.

I'm not perfect, that's for sure, but I do know that God uses these "unfortunate blessings in disguise" and suffering as an attempt to mold us into the image of Christ. I hope and pray that I can become more like Christ through all of the trials I encounter in my life, and right now, this one. It's a little scary, extremely humbling, and easily capable of consuming my thoughts, but if I allow God to completely take over, I think I'm going to look back on this time later and understand everything and see that God has done a lot of work through it. I can already it happening. God is so good, and we can bring Him all the glory even through trials that we face. They can be so frustrating, but I just want to encourage you to remember that He has a plan, and that will keep you strong. And prayer always helps too:) "Cast your anxieties on Him, for he cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7

Life Comes At You Fast

Hi. I haven't blogged for a few months. Life really does fly by. I'm amazed that we're halfway finished with the semester, and I'm a junior! It's pretty scary thinking about graduating in a little over a year and a half. Life keeps going even when you want to hit pause. And, it continues to surprise me. Or I should say that God continues to surprise me, in good ways and bad. I have to keep reminding myself that everything that comes my way contributes to God's plan for my life, whether it's positive or negative.
 Recently, I've had a few issues with technology. This is one example of the negative. I've had two phones break in the past month, a laptop crash, and my new laptop give me problems twice already. Also, someone purchased things with my debit card, so the bank had to close out my card. Lovely, I know. Those are just random things I don't mind mentioning in a blog. Of course, other things have happened too. God definitely likes to test my faith and put a few challenges in my life here and there. It's easy to focus on those and get frustrated, depressed, disheartened, discouraged, upset, etc., but that's a personal choice. I'm not saying that I'm perfect and never have those feelings, because I'm human and I definitely do.
However, we have the choice to be that way all the time or to choose to be positive and seek God. When we seek God, we realize that those things that might discourage or frustrate us every now and then actually can help us grow, and that there are so many reasons to focus on our blessings instead of our occasional curses. I shared part of my testimony with some people on Sunday, and before and after, I was thinking about how life changes so quickly, and it can be for better or for worse. For me, it changed for better when I became a Christian, and God continues to shape me into who I am becoming. He has given me a joy and a love for life that I didn't have a few years ago, and it's amazing to look at each day of my life and to find God working. It's easy to go through life and never see the need for God, but if you do that, you are missing out on a completely different life, and an amazing one for sure. No, it won't be easy, because living a life for Christ is nowhere near that. We are inherently evil, sinners from the beginning, so becoming like Christ in our lives is seemingly impossible.
 But, we can definitely strive toward that, and reading and studying the Word and living it out leads to becoming more like Christ. If we take each day of our lives and use it for the best, then when life "comes at you fast," you will be able to say you lived it for Christ and not for yourself, and that you took advantage of every opportunity to share your faith, etc. This is something that is so hard for me to do. It's easy to let the days go by and not share your faith because we focus on our own lives and our own agendas. I encourage you to focus on God's agenda and to live your life for Christ, seeing the blessings of each day and staying positive even when the hardships come along.

Living life to the fullest

Stop for a minute and think about your life. Has it had both ups and downs? Have there been many moments where you've been so excited/happy that you wanted to shout for you, and have there also been those moments where you have wanted to break down and possibly cry? A life of ups and downs is a normal life, and it is also what life is like with Christ. Believe it or not, life with a relationship with Christ can actually be harder than life without Him, but life without Him really isn't "life" at all. This morning I heard a really powerful sermon in a church that was held in a movie theater! One of the passages the pastor talked about was 1 John 5: 4-5, 11-12. An important part of this excerpt are the words, "whoever has the Son has life." The pastor told everyone that we are doomed to lose in life if we don't have God, and all the work we have done is for nothing. We have no hope for victory, and we are doomed for eternal lostness. God took all of human sin and punished Jesus on the cross in our place. I just think that's amazing. I've realized I use the words "amazing" and "awesome" a lot, but I can't think of a better word to describe it at the moment. Romans 6:23 says "for the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Jesus Christ our Lord." Because of Jesus' sacrifice on the cross, we can live and be forgiven for our sins, and more importantly, if we follow Christ, we will not be doomed to hell but will be able to spend eternal life in heaven! I can't even begin to think of how amazing (yes I used that word again) heaven is going to be, and I'm just so excited to be able to live eternally with my Savior! It scares me to think that any day I could be driving along the road and get in an accident or die in my sleep, etc., but it is reassuring to know that when I die, I will only die on earth and I will live a better life in heaven! I believe that we each have a special purpose here on earth, and God keeps us here for as long as He thinks we should have to fulfill that purpose. For some people, that purpose may be to simply bring joy to a lot of people in your life through your relationships, including relationships at school, with your family and in your career. Others have different purposes. All of them center around Jesus though. God desires for us all to be Christlike in our lives and in our actions. Our purpose is to live for Christ and to glorify God through our lives because we have so much for which we should be thankful. He died for us, so we should want to live for Him.

 "Abide in me as I abide in you. Just as the branch cannot bear fruit by itself unless it abides in the vine, neither can you unless you abide in me. I am the vine, you are the branches. Those who abide in me and I in them bear much fruit, because apart from me you can do nothing. If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask for whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father's commandments and abide in his love." (John 15:4-5,7,10)


Without Christ in our lives, we cannot bear fruit. We may think we are successful, but we in fact are eternally doomed. If we pursue a relationship with God, our prayers will be answered, in one way or another. Life won't always be easy, that's for sure, but we will always have God's love and He will be with us every step of the way, allowing us to bear fruit and to see the results of it in our lives. In 1 Peter 5 it says the devil roars around like a lion, and our job is to try to stay alert and watch out for our enemy because he sucks us in and changes our life for the worse, while Christ can change our lives for the better if we let Him! Whoever has the Son has life, and life without Christ is not a life I want to live.

I will leave you with this verse: "I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you may have tribulation, but take heart, for I have overcome the world." John 16:33

having faith

Faith is one of the hardest parts of Christianity. As a Christian, it is always hard to be sure of everything, and there are always unanswered questions. However, the Bible says that we have to have faith in order to believe and to trust God. Hebrews 11:1 says that "faith is the assurance of things hoped for and the conviction of things unseen." I recently had a conversation with someone I had just met. He had just recently become a Christian, and he had struggled with seeing God work in others lives. I told him that was surprising because most people are the opposite: they have trouble seeing God work in their lives. This guy told me that one of the things he learned was that he had to have faith that God really was acting and moving all around him, all of the time. He told me that he looks at faith as something that should actually come to us naturally, rather than as something you constantly search for and wonder why you need it, etc. I was curious as to how he approached it. He explained it something so complex in simple terms. He said that when it comes to God, we always struggle with having faith in who He is and in His will for our lives, His purpose for us, etc. But, for example, when we sit in a chair, we don't have to test that out or wonder if it's going to hold us up or if we're going to break it. We have faith that it will support us. We also do this with driving. We trust and have faith that our cars will get us from one point to the next without breaking down. Then, he asked me, "how can we have faith in such things as these but then question our faith in God, who is so powerful and present in our lives? He created us and is a supernatural being who sits above all of us in heaven and reigns down, and sometimes we don't even have as much faith in Him as we do in our cars. It's just hard for me to understand." He said that he sees it as something much simpler and just a part of being a Christian and wanting to have a purpose in life. Having faith helps you see what that purpose is and also helps you to see God working in your life all the time, every day of your life. The Bible says that we should walk by faith and not by sight, and I encourage you to do that. It may not seem easy, but if you trust in the Word and in the Holy Spirit that is living inside of you, then you might realize it's a lot easier than you think. Just don't think too hard. :)