Almost Finished!

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:1-2

I think this verse is so perfect for a cancer journey, and I think it has been so true for mine. This journey has been one I have tried to run through with perseverance, and I have been humbled to the point where I have seen that I can depend only on God and that, by fixing my eyes on the Lord, I can overcome my fears and pain and be healed. There have been ups and downs, surprises, blessings and struggles, but all of it has always been and will always be in God's hands and in His control. I have always liked to be in control, and I've always struggled with wanting to do things my way and on my own schedule. I've always been a people-pleaser and a busy person who tried to do everything and to do it well. I've been a perfectionist, and God's changed my heart a lot as far as that goes, and of course there is still some changing in the works. But, one important lesson I have learned from having cancer and going through this journey is that I have no power or control over my life, and even more importantly, I am not Christ and I will never be as perfect as Christ. I will only be who I am and accomplish what I accomplish because of CHRIST. It has nothing to do with my desires or hopes for myself. I am a sinner, but I have been saved by the grace of God, and I am who I am because of that grace. Furthermore, I am here to live for God's glory and to make His name known.

Another huge lesson I have learned is of course, that things happen when we least expect them to, and we never understand why, but God's timing is never the same as ours and is therefore usually surprising. But, we are supposed to not lean on our own understanding, but TRUST God. Depend on Him because He is the Ruler and the Judge and our Father and our Healer and our source of strength in all times. He is the founder and perfecter of our faith. When we trust Him, especially in hard times, it makes our faith stronger.
Three days after my 21st birthday, I found out I had cancer. It wasn't the best birthday present, but it was something that God knew was going to happen to me, and He had a plan for it. He planned to make me stronger through this journey, and He has and still is. I always trusted that He would be faithful, and I know that He is faithful through the storms, and He has not failed me. He never will fail me. Even if I wasn't healed, I would still love God and I would still say that He has been faithful and that He is good. It would be a lot harder, and sometimes I even wonder why He chose to heal me, but if he hadn't chosen that, I would still be able to say that I am learning so much and that I know other people probably have grown by seeing me go through this journey as well. And that makes me so so happy because God deserves all of the glory from this journey. It hurts me that so many people I know are fighting with cancer or have fought with it in the past. After you have had cancer, you look at it differently, and you understand what it feels like to go through it and you realize really how terrible it is, and life becomes so much more fragile.

I thought a lot about the fragility of life when I was in the hospital twice. I was on the oncology floor, and I would hear other patients screaming and families crying in surrounding rooms. It's pretty scary and it breaks my heart to hear it, and you realize how serious some situations can be. Also, it opened my eyes to the reality of how blessed I really have been because my situation could have been so much worse than it has been. Yes, it's been awful sometimes, and I've had a few surgeries and been in the hospital for about 10 days total and had about 40 or so different doctor's appointments, but I have the most curable cancer, and I'm already healed. All I can say is that God is good, and we will never fully understand why He does things the way He does. We won't ever know exactly why some seem to have to suffer more than others, or why God even allows that suffering. However, we can choose to rejoice always, no matter what the circumstances may be. It may be the hardest thing we have ever done in our life, but we can do anything with God, and suffering just allows us to get a glimpse of what Christ went through when he endured the cross.

I will be completely finished with everything in May, but what I have learned from this journey will stay with me forever, and my relationship with God will have been changed because of this cancer. I can't wait to have hair again and to not have to go to the hospital all the time, but most of all I am just so thankful that God has used this cancer for good. I know that all things work together for good, and I will never doubt that, especially now.