Sometimes I get discouraged, but He is there

3 down, 5 to go. Each time I get a little less scared, but I also hate it just a little more. I don't hate who I am or what situation I'm in right now, I just hate cancer. Don't get me wrong--I'm not depressed, and you don't need to worry about that happening. But I am a real person, and no one likes cancer. No matter how confident I am that God will heal me because He IS the ultimate Healer, I still fear, and I still get discouraged. Sitting in a room surrounded by people with different types of cancers and different drug treatments really freaks me out sometimes.
I talked to the lady sitting next to me today, in between watching Dirty Dancing and then falling asleep from the Tylenol, Benadryl, and all the bags of drugs going into my body that make you so fatigued. Anyway, this lady's daughter went to my high school and then went to college at Georgia State, and we started talking about school and Christian values being a part of a university. We also talked about Christian summer camps and how they differ so much from one to the other. She lives on the other side of town and goes to a church where I used to sing in chorus concerts in high school! I enjoyed talking to her. I was afraid to ask what kind of cancer she has, but I asked her how long she had been coming to the cancer center. She said she had been coming since January 2009, and then she asked about me and wished me luck with everything. I felt horrible. I'm only going to be getting treatments through March, which is less than 6 months, and this woman has been getting treated for 2 years and is still fighting. It scared me so much, and made me want to cry for her. It hurts so much to see people go through pain, but sometimes it is even worse just hearing the truth and hearing about what they are going through. It almost makes me feel selfish sometimes because while I am sitting here crying about everything going on, there are people who have been fighting cancers for years and people who die everyday from cancer. It hurts just thinking about it.

It hurts thinking about how God allows suffering, and how He chooses how and when to heal. It's one of those things that is so hard to understand. I know that He works through all suffering and He has a good plan for everyone, but it is still not fun to experience it, that's for sure. Looking at other people's suffering from an outsider's perspective is even harder than I think it would be to experience a lot of your own suffering. Today when I was talking to the woman next to me, I felt ashamed because of the way I talk about cancer. I didn't want her to think it wasn't affecting me, and I don't think she thought that, but I realized that I try to put on this front that is almost somewhat prideful. I love God and trust Him, but I do hate what's happening, and it is definitely NOT easy. The last thing I would ever want to be is fake, and I am learning so much through people like the woman I met today. I don't think she would mind me using her last name, so I'm going to call her Mrs. Baker.

I really hope that next time I get my treatment, on Wedneday, December 29, that I get to see Mrs. Baker again. I hope that I can talk to her about what she has been going through, and let her know that I care about what she is going through. I felt selfish today. Doctors and nurses say, "You're so young. You shouldn't have to be dealing with this now." And "you're in college? you're only 21?" etc. But honestly, no matter how old you are, there is no good time to have cancer. Mrs. Baker has two kids and a husband who are all going through this with her. My family is all going through this with me, as are my friends. I pray that Mrs. Baker is going to get through this as well, and that she will be healed soon. I know these past two years have not been easy for her. It is humbling because I can say that I know because I've gone through it for a month, but really, what I have gone through is probably nothing compared to what she has experienced. Two years of fighting is a long time.

I guess what I'm trying to say through all of this is that life is so fragile, and even in the darkest of situations, we all have something for which we should be thankful. I'm thankful that I'm going to be finished with this in 5 treatments and 5 weeks of radiation. I think Mrs. Baker is thankful that she is still fighting after these two years, and she is trusting in God to heal her and give her the hope she needs. At least that's what I think, because I'm trying to do that, even though I can already confidently say I'm going to get through it. I just know God's not anywhere near finished yet. I'm not trying to sound prideful, or to sound like I know exactly what God has planned for me because I definitely don't. In fact, I have no clue. I just have a feeling that He is not finished, and that He is going to do good.

It is easy to get discouraged, but I do know He is with me. Sometimes I try to find comfort in other people, and it works for a while, but ultimately, none of us are perfect, and it is impossible to do so. We can find full satisfaction, comfort, hope, and peace in Him alone. He alone satisfies our needs and desires. I can't learn to put my full hope in anything but Him.

I hope I didn't discourage anyone or make anyone sad or anything by reading this post. In fact, I hope that I did the opposite. I hope that you all are encouraged to put your faith in God alone and to trust Him and know that He really is the only one in whom you can hope. Remember, He is with you wherever you go.



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